Today my mum bought me a new set of scented color markers from RoseArt and a pair of gold strappy sandals. Its my mum's birthday tomorrow. I haven't gotten her anything yet. I'll see what I can afford when we go out for the day.

Im 21 (soon 22), and its been blah. If you know what I mean.

I never have the right words so I'll have to borrow a little of Jeff Mangum [link] to get me started:

"Hello everyone. I think its time that i made a few things clear. First of all, i am not in hiding, as some have said. where i am i supposed to be hiding?"

The last 3 months have been spent in some form of hibernation, true. But more importantly, I was working on getting back on my feet. This year was hard for me, and I've struggled a lot (with myself most of the time).

My cameras are gathering dust on the shelf. Sometimes, I think living behind the lens was an excuse I made for myself not to be present in the frame. And when I mull about it, I have been hiding behind my lens all this time.

I'm in the middle of relocating to another continent and getting a new day job. Make no mistake, Art is still my passion; I've only resigned myself to the fact that it is not my career -so I am focusing my energies on what puts food on the table (so to speak).

I wake up each day happy to be alive. This is why I know I should make haste and not waste my life away on inconsequential things.

Although, at some points in time, I have wished to have been more privileged in life I know for a fact that I have been immensely blessed. Surviving on Pure Grace. I am grateful for what I have and refuse to be a victim of circumstance. I will, in the end, live a life of my choosing. Lovesick or not.

I'm glad whoever you are out there enjoyed my art and took the time to share a few words or send me your thumbs up. Thank you for making your art, which has inspired me in my day to day life. Its time to move on though.

In parting, I leave you with Requiem [link] and Shade of Gray [link] ; which posses perhaps the most clarity of self reflection I can ever have.

"Now i need to forget myself again, so you may not hear from me for awhile. Forgetting yourself is freedom, and i need to be free. Happy travels."

For now, this is it for .

Love,
V


But now we must pick up every piece
Of the life we used to love
Just to keep ourselves
At least enough to carry on
-Holland, 1945

It has been good to be home. I realized I've been quiet lately. But then again its been noisy in my head; there has been no reprieve.

With music for company, I am strung out on words. Breathing in the silence - slowly. The air is thick and I draw it in sharply, Mason Jennings sings to me in the background.


"Where would I be right now, if all my dreams had come true? Deep down I know somehow, I'd have never seen your face, this world would be a different place, darling there's no way to know, which way your heart will go"


I am thinking of a lot of things. Finding work. Having to leave home again and rebuild a life I will eventually tear down again. I remember in Bahrain, having the courage to leave because someone told me that I was replaceable. Quit, he said, and they will find someone else to replace you.

It was a hard thing to hear and accept. But I have to agree, now, that he was right after all.

Life goes on as usual, I don't expect people to understand the chaos I live in. It has been raining too much. My room feels like a cell, sometimes. But it is a cell I love, for as long as the rain is not dripping through the ceiling. I have to get out more often.

will try to get me into the Canon Photowalk on the 14th. It will be good for me. I haven't seen the sun in the longest. I will try to work on more art these next few days; I've not done that in a long long time.




Sometimes I wonder what I'm really waiting for. Always wanting. Always waiting and waiting and waiting. I don't want to be the fool.


is where I pretend to be adequate.

is where I pretend to be adequate.

I have been in Manila for 7 days now.

Plans change. And they change Just. Like. That.

Regardless of the setbacks, drawbacks and disadvantages I am pleased to be home. My social calendar is brimming but I will handle it with the grace of the ages. Whatever that means. haha.

As usual I have a long 'To Do' list. On top of it is Berlin (ooooh visa perils!) and relocating to a new city where I begin a new career. All uphill at the moment, but I'm excited about life and confident that I will overcome.

I've been blessed immeasurably this year. I got my MacBook Pro and 2 Canon Bodies and a respectable set of gear. No chink in my armour yet.

I've met up with already. Coffee at Perk.

If I have my calendars straight I have for breakfast on Thursday before I'm seeing and his luv Kam in the afternoon. I owe the Kiss Club an appearance in the evening, then I rendezvous with who will come home with me to spend the night. Gasp! Must get room cleaned soon!

Then I have a weekend with . Woah! Thats a week of social affairs!

I've yet to speak to about our conference call tonight.

Meet me in Manila! If all goes well I leave for Berlin on 13 Sept to 03 Oct and might go to Dubai soon after.




More time to work on my art and shoot for the love.

I must find myself in the Solace [link] and remember who I was so I can become who I want to be.

is where I pretend to be adequate.

I have been away, yes.

Sleep doesn't find me lately. A lot has been going on. Then again, nothing has been going on. Its that case of everything and nothing at the same time.

I've finally closed the door on PC and migrated to a Mac; eleven days and counting. Utterly loving it. Now I don't have any excuses. Well, I've yet to install all my programs but I'll get around to doing that by the end of next week. The upgrade to Adobe CS4 should do the trick. My Macbook Pro has been hard at work these past 5 days as I have been on "local vacation".

Then its down to serious business.

I want to see the world this year. At least, parts of it.

I will return to Dubai to attend to some family obligations and tie up some loose strings. Event Photography and perhaps a few creative and more personal shoots. Any Deviants in Dubai who want to go camera gunslinging are more than welcome to join me.

Hopefully, I'll get my schengen visa in time. Especially since I have the tickets to Berlin already. I want to see Varekai in Hamburg and perhaps take the train down to Munich to see an old friend and take in some local culture. Yes, Octoberfest. Cheers!

Then, Manila waits for me in December. Manila always waits.

I have to get out of the river and into the trees. Ah, Hemingway. Anywhere, really. Just out of Bahrain. Away from the hotel industry. I need some space for my soul to breathe.

Funny how I'm finding myself in the most uncanny of places.



Happy Birthday DA!

is where I pretend to be adequate.